So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
