my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
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