At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
