he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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