Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
wanna go halves on a baby?
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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