you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
