There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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