I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
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