Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
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