I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
