your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
