She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
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