you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Randomize
