Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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