I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Success! We fucked roommates!
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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