a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
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