96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
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