I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
