I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize
