Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize