Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
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