Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
