If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Randomize
