You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
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