My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
