dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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