I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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