guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
