My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
