I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
