Is it penis luge time yet?
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
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