i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Randomize
