The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
i think im in europe. pls send help
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Randomize
