i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize