dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize