yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Randomize
