Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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