Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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