first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
We left an ass print on the piano.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize