Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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