currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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