My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
You've changed since you got that strap on
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
