I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
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