toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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