My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
