You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
being pregnant is like rehab
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
