I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
