someone threw a dead crab at me
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
