Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Randomize