I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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