How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Randomize
