Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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