What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Randomize
