He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize