He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
