I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Randomize
