I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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