my phone needs a breathalizer
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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