this beer tastes like vomit already
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Randomize
