Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Randomize