At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
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