he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
