ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
