she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
