i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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